About 1.5 months ago, Victor sat for a Vipassana Course (a 10 day silent meditation retreat). Besides him having his own personal experience being there, I had my own experience, too.
For the first time since I left Colombia, almost 11 months earlier, we were unable to speak for 10 days. In over 3.5 years, we had never gone 10 days without speaking. And, something very interesting happened.
I felt completely and totally at peace. Why? Well, the stress and anxiety over how and when we were going to speak on a regular basis was gone. The needing to hold on so tightly to an idea of what it should be like while apart was relieved. And the forced attachment to Vic was let go.
Yes, we could have spoken 2-3 hours every night like I had done in the past with other ex-boyfriends. But, both Victor and I had agreed that my moving back to NY was to allow me to refresh my life here and build community. And, it was time for him to focus on his work and his own life over there. How would that even be possible if I was home in my apartment every night on Skype with him? (OK, at the beginning I wanted it anyway.. but it didn’t work).
So after the 10 days, we tried to go back to our old way of calling when we felt like it and as a result of the anxiety that gave me, my symptoms got worse and my stress began to build. So we spoke about it and decided that for the next month, we would stop phone calls altogether. Since I was going to Colombia to see him in approximately one month, we thought this would be a good trial period to see how we would feel. And, wow, did it feel good.
Why? Because for the first time in a year, I let got of this idea of who we were as a couple and who we were supposed to be and just accepted that right now, we are living very separate lives. I stopped holding onto a past memory of 2 people loving one another and stepped into present reality: we KNOW we LOVED each other, but we do not currently feel that love for one another.
And with that, I let go. And when I let go, I opened myself up to really being here in NY with my friends and experiencing new things here for me.
So cut to Wednesday. My flight arrived at 2 in the morning and after a few hours of sleep Vic and I went for a late lunch at a local restaurant. What we realized as I sat across from the man I loved, was that I no longer knew him and he no longer knew me as we are today. We were the same yet different. And, we were completely disconnected from one another in many ways. For 2.5 hours we spoke about how this was no longer working for either of us. The waiting, anticipation, not knowing, and of course, not communicating was making us too distant from one another. We spoke about how it was time to let go of one another and allow each other to find real love with someone who is physically present in our lives.
It was one of the most beautiful moments I have had with anyone. We were letting go of one another to allow the other to find real peace and happiness with ourselves and another and create space to welcome new people and situations into our lives. Since we didn’t know if we would ever be given that opportunity to do that for each other, this only made sense for us. We decided to be friends and I felt so much love from him in that moment that I knew that this was the right decision for us.
The feeling of his not needing to possess, hold onto, force, be attached to or manipulate me was so freeing and it allowed me to want and feel the same thing for him. One of the many ways in which Victor has helped me to grow as an individual.
We then left the restaurant and went home; at peace and content with our decision. We both went to our respective computers to check our emails and I received this:
From: (Our immigration lawyer)
Subject: See attached!!!
Of course I did the most lady like thing and started screaming “WHAT THE FUCK” over and over again until Vic came over and saw what I was looking at. We looked at each other and I said, “Are you fucking kidding me?? What the FUCK?!?!”
Victor, being of more sound mind than myself, opened the attachment to make sure it was what we thought it was. And yes, it was. We were so confused and so in shock. We literally just broke up with one another and came to this space where we accepted that whole-heartedly and then THIS!! 4 months earlier than we were told!
Well, neither of us did what I expected us to do. We didn’t laugh or jump for joy or even celebrate. Instead, we kind of just ignored it for the evening because we were just in such a different head-space. I did, however call my mother who recited a very good quote from who knows where that says: “People make plans and God laughs at us.”
Anyway, the next day it was time for us to have a conversation and address the elephant in the room. We decided to stick with our original plan, because even though he was approved, it will take another three months before he gets here. Ahh, paper work. So I have returned to NY and we will continue not to speak on a regular basis on Skype. Plus, we will both continue to be open to receiving and welcoming a new love into our lives. And then, when the VISA is ready, we will speak openly and honestly once again about where we are and what we are doing. And, if we both feel that there may be an opportunity to find love between one another once again, he will come. However, if either one of us has already found someone with whom we want to continue our lives with, then we will say good-bye to one another. Therefore, we will both continue not only to live our lives in our separate countries, but seek happiness, truth, joy partnership, love and creativity with ourselves and possibly with another.
What I respect most about this man is that he truly wants me to be happy, even if that means we cannot be together. And whether or not we end up together 3 months or 30 years from now, for that freedom he gives me to love and be loved by another man, without jealousy, manipulation, anger or attachment, I will always love him.