Of course, if you read my previous blog, I have already been to Colombia and dealt with this. But I recorded my feelings before that happened and they are below.
My biggest fear in my life has been commitment; one of few women who are inflicted with this. And, it’s serious.
This is what happened when we heard that we finally got our VISA interview appointment:
I was on the subway on the way home after work when suddenly my body began to become over heated, I felt my bowels begin to wake up, my upper arms began to tense and shake and I felt faint with a combination of slight dizziness and difficulty breathing. As I was going through it I thought how strange it was that my entire body felt like it was imploding and nobody around me had any idea of what was going on. I wanted to shout out to someone and beg her to let me put my head on her shoulder and wrap her arms around me.
My mind raced with these thoughts:
What if he comes here and I don’t want to be with him?
What if we love one another and decide to get married?
When would we get married, we only have 90 days to determine if we want to get married!
Where would we get married? We have family in 2 different places!
What if we decide to be together but 90 days isn’t enough to know if we want to get married?
What if we commit to one another?
What if.. what if.. what if..
Many of my friends do not understand this. They think it’s great that he may come here and we can get married. They think my anxiety is about us possibly breaking up. But the truth is, I am not afraid of Vic and I breaking up. I have done “break up” so many times. I know what that’s like. It’s easy: break up, cry a little or a lot, find someone else. My real fear is WHAT IF WE DECIDE TO BE TOGETHER!!??
Can I really spend my entire life with just one person?
What if I think he is the right guy for me and he isn’t?
What if I need something he can’t give me?
What if I start to feel trapped and want to run the other direction?
What if we grow unhappy together?
What if I want to have a relationship with another man?
What if…. he gets to know who I really am and realized he can’t love me?
Of course, I know none of these questions are relevant to our relationship because I KNOW I love him.. but the fear that ensues is too much for me to handle that I start doubting this love and making excuses for myself.
So, while reflecting with a friend, I began to ask myself, “if my anxiety is controlling me, what is controlling it?”
I’ve had no real revelations other than something he mentioned, which may or may not be true, anxiety strikes when overly excited or nervous about a major event about to take place.
And yes, those have been the times when my anxiety has struck.
So when I called Victor the next day, I decided to tell him what was happening. After all, he was changing his whole life to come to the states to be with me. I told him about the panic attack and my fear of commitment and how it’s been very overwhelming for me, as I know it has been for him.
I told him that I am afraid that we may actually want to be together and he just laughed and told me to relax and there is no pressure for us to make a decision yet.
He was so calm and stable that it helped me to feel better. Victor assured me that he too does not know what will happen and this is a test for us. Him coming here is in no way indicative of us getting married. His coming here is to see if after 8 months, (now a year and 8 months since this whole process of getting denied) we still love one another and want to work at having a healthy and happy relationship.
I decided not to think too far in advance. It never worked for me before, so I do not know why it would work for me now. I am taking it one day at a time. The fact that I could be honest with Vic and tell him what was going on and he did not react with fear or resentment made me more comfortable and reminded me how strong of a figure he is in my life. I knew he really would accept my breaking things off and be OK with it if that was what was needed. And, he really would be OK with things if I decided to move forward. But basically, I know that he will always be there for me, and for that, I love him with all my heart.
So will I get a panic attack again? Probably. As I get closer to flying to Colombia because I understand that I get overly excited about things. My meditation has helped me tremendously and all of the breathing that I do through yoga. But sometimes, I just cannot let go of my thoughts quickly enough to stop them from taking over my body.