I was not expecting to write a “Part 3″ to the “Want List” blogs, but this next piece just came when I realized that I still was feeling uneasy even after I received everything that I had written on the first want list and a lot of the second list.
There was this very quiet but very real shakiness and movement happening in my inner gut and it was making me feel uneasy. I could not put my finger on what exactly it was. I have been so grateful for everything I’ve been receiving on a daily basis that I could not understand what else there could be.
Then it hit me. Literally it stung me in the back and left me in a lot of pain until the moment I decided to confront the emotional impact of it at which time it dissipated. (Another blog about this to come shortly!)
The message became clear: I hadn’t been asking the person I love to give me something that I want. All this time I was creating mental and written lists to put out there to the universe asking for what I want but I was still holding back from asking the people in my life for what I want. And, as I wrote before, I would never again ask the universe to give me something from another person. The other person has to be wanting and willing to do it.
So, I had turned the man that I love into an unsupportive and unloving creature and then spent 2 weeks building up anger towards him without even telling him why. Sound familiar anyone?
In meditation it quickly came to me that there was a reason I was not asking for what I want, and why many people never ask for what they want. I had and still have a very real fear of rejection. So, I reviewed me situation to see if this fear was called for.
There is a man who I lived with for 2.5 years, a man with whom I am waiting to get a fiancée visa, a man that I love and who I know loves me, a man who has been through a whirlwind of emotions and break downs with me, a man who has shown me time and time again that he is available to me.
Yet for some reason, as soon as I realized I wanted something from him, I began to think that he would not take me seriously, then reject me then not want to be with me; even after everything we have been through! And damn have we been through a lot more than what I was about to ask him.
I haven’t figured out where that fear of rejection comes from yet, so it will definitely be a good and challenging next step for me. And now that I know it exists and I can acknowledge that this fear is the reason I have not asked for what I want, I was able to confront it and do it.
All of the build up, all of the anxiety and tension I created in my own head, all of this so as not to have to face my fear of the possibility of rejection. When all along, he was more than happy to give me what I wanted. I just had to ask for it.